Slander ‘08

With only a month to go in the election, each candidate is hoping for a “game changer” — that one moment in the campaign that finally turns the election decisively in their favor.  For the final 31 days, we will introduce a daily game changer that we believe voters should take into account before voting.

"I recently aggravated an old football injury," says "Cindy" McCain.

…as is clearly evidenced by the fact that he is married to another man.

Nice wig, “Wiggy” McCain!

With only a month to go in the election, each candidate is hoping for a “game changer” — that one moment in the campaign that finally turns the election decisively in their favor.  For the final 31 days, we will introduce a daily game changer that we believe voters should take into account before voting.

Even the logo makes me sick.

Whoops!  You missed it.  But too late now.  McCain won.  I guess I can stop publishing these Game Changers that no one likes anyways.

"Government shouldn't interfere with Americans lives; it should make my life better."

In a speech earlier today, Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin announced that a McCain/Palin administration would allow parents of special needs students to choose which schools they want to send their children to.

“The law requires our public schools to serve children with special needs, but often the results fall far short of the service they need,” she said, calling such issues “especially close to my heart.”

Also close to her heart: haircuts and eyewear.  “For too long, working women have struggled to find a look that allows them an equal playing field with their non-female counterparts.  And yet, women are in no way compensated for these expenses.  As Vice President, I would seek to make hairstylist expenses tax deductible, and despite my call for less government, I think it is imperative that we make Lens Crafters a government run entity.”

Also on the docket, free prenatal care for children conceived out of wedlock, looser restrictions for DUIs issued to snowmachine drivers, and Governors of any states larger than Texas would no longer be required by law to answer questions asked by special investigators.

With only a month to go in the election, each candidate is hoping for a “game changer” — that one moment in the campaign that finally turns the election decisively in their favor.  For the final 31 days, we will introduce a daily game changer that we believe voters should take into account before voting.

Hello, World.

Which is more likely: An Obama victory or a pre-election suicide for this woman?

Oh, and why is the “B” backwards?  Because this woman is so dumb she must have been looking in a mirror when she did it and didn’t realize that the world would see it a little differently…

With only a month to go in the election, each candidate is hoping for a “game changer” — that one moment in the campaign that finally turns the election decisively in their favor.  For the final 31 days, we will introduce a daily game changer that we believe voters should take into account before voting.

A literal watercooler.

It’s human nature.  Given the choice between being on the losing side or the winning side, people would prefer to be with the winners.  And as much as people love to “root for the underdog,” the whole concept is predicated on the underdog eventually winning, or at least having a chance.  If the underdog never had a chance of winning, why would you root for him?  And if the underdog had been completely statistically eliminated with absolutely no chance of winning — even by encompassing the realm of miracles — rooting for the underdog would look just plain stupid.

Rooting for a 72-point Division II college football team to beat Ohio State is fun at the onset, but if you’re in the stands yelling, “You can pull this one out!” while the OSU quarterback is taking a knee with 32 seconds on the clock and a 90-point lead, people will laugh at you.  Point and laugh.

Long story short, the majority of people prefer to be in the majority.  [Explanation of logic not forthcoming.]

My point, towards the end of a race, generally, the front runner will build momentum and gain votes, and your average Joe the Idiot hops on the bandwagon and starts rooting for the winning team so they don’t feel like an ostracized loser.  You’d be surprised how many people will vote for who they think is the winner just so they can say they voted for the winner with a clear conscious whilst they stand around the proverbial watercooler.

Does this mean human beings are stupid animals on par with the lemmings?  Of course it does.

With only a month to go in the election, each candidate is hoping for a “game changer” — that one moment in the campaign that finally turns the election decisively in their favor.  For the final 31 days, we will introduce a daily game changer that we believe voters should take into account before voting.

The average American voter.

I’ll be honest with you: I’m backdating this post.  Game Changer #19 has already been posted.  And why?  This election has become boring.  True, I overestimated my ability to come up with a “game changer” on a daily basis, especially in light of a campaign marked by a giant front-runner and obscured by a major economic crisis, but even more so than that, this election has become a freakin’ snoozefest.

John McCain is too old and not enough of a risk taker to make potent attacks.  Barack Obama is too much of a nice guy, liberal pussy to take any real jabs.  And Joe Biden and Sarah Palin have too much bullshit flying out of their mouths that they’ve settled into a healthy mix of their campaigns not letting them talk and the public not caring when they do.

What happened to Bloomberg?!  You know what’s more fun than trying to repeal some ridiculous city ordinance to get a third term as mayor of New York City?  Entering the race as an independent candidate and becoming leader of the free f’ing world!

Where’s our Ross Perot?  Jesse Ventura?  Hell, I’d settle for Jesse Jackson at this point.  Uhg.  I need some freakin’ excitement around here.  What’s Joe the Plumber up to?  Maybe I’ll go make a Joe the Plumber dance video and post it on YouTube.

With only a month to go in the election, each candidate is hoping for a “game changer” — that one moment in the campaign that finally turns the election decisively in their favor.  For the final 31 days, we will introduce a daily game changer that we believe voters should take into account before voting.

"Thou'th must quit fucking with me."

It’s one of the oldest traditions Americans have: Making fun of the President.

Ever since John Adams proclaimed, “The only thing more wooden than George Washington’s foreign policy is his teeth,” mocking the president has been our national pastime as much as or more so than baseball.  Sometime in the early 1800s, however, America developed a third national pastime: racism — a pastime we have struggled as a nation to overcome.

If Barack Obama becomes our country’s leader, race and the presidency will collide as never before, and mocking the President promises to become far more sensitive of a subject.  For all intents and purposes, The Daily Show could quite possibly become the most racist show on television.

If you’re looking for four years of having to pussyfoot around your criticism of the Oval Office, sure, vote for Obama.  But if you want to be able to tear your President a new one, as that asshole John Adams believed we should, there is no better choice than John McCain.  He’s too old and senile to even care.

[Quick recap, America has three national pastimes: mocking the president, baseball and racism (not necessarily in that order).]

With only a month to go in the election, each candidate is hoping for a “game changer” — that one moment in the campaign that finally turns the election decisively in their favor.  For the final 31 days, we will introduce a daily game changer that we believe voters should take into account before voting.

Why did Republicans spend so much time attacking Obama’s cult of personality?  Americans love celebrities and now it looks like they have one of their own in the midst.  George W. Bush is a movie star!

Seriously, if I knew Will Smith, I’d let everyone on planet Earth know.  McCain, you know the man who’s life story was powerful enough to go all the way to number four at the domestic box office.  This is the kind of name dropping you want to do at every stop on the campaign trail!

Sure, you might not have 95% of Hollywood on your side, but those are actors.  W. is based on a true story.  People love true stories.  Milk it.

With only a month to go in the election, each candidate is hoping for a “game changer” — that one moment in the campaign that finally turns the election decisively in their favor.  For the final 31 days, we will introduce a daily game changer that we believe voters should take into account before voting.

Great moments in African-American history.

Earlier today, Colin Powell formally endored Democratic nominee Barack Obama for the presidency of the United States of America.  This marks the most prominant endorsement of one important black guy by another important black guy since Shaq said he was cool with Kobe.

Much like Shaquille O’Neal, Colin Powell had spent years on a loosing team in a different league and realized his only hope at winning a championship was to switch sides and support a younger, more eloquent team leader.

Hopefully, Colin Powell’s support of Barack Obama will bring us all an end to the Iraq War.  And three championship rings!!!

With only a month to go in the election, each candidate is hoping for a “game changer” — that one moment in the campaign that finally turns the election decisively in their favor.  For the final 31 days, we will introduce a daily game changer that we believe voters should take into account before voting.

The Gateway to hell.

In 2000, it was Florida.  In 2004, the biggest battleground states were Ohio and New Mexico.  This year, one of the biggest flip-floppers has been Missouri.

According to Real Clear Politics, as recently as August, McCain had a 10% lead.  As of October 12th, Obama’s lead was projected as high as 8%.

Oh my lord!  I’ve heard the phrase “as dumb as a Missourian” — it’s common everywhere outside of Missouri (especially in Illinois) — but this is ridiculous.

So pick a side people!  Don’t end up “as dumb as a Missourian!”